I’d been transitioning for a couple of months trying to decide if I wanted to go natural or remain relaxed and I eventually grew tired of the two textures. Super thick hair at the roots extending out about three inches and the rest bone straight. Washing, blowdrying, and styling my hair was a nightmare. It would soon be time to have my hair serviced and I knew I had a big decision to make. Should I relax my hair or continue growing it out? For decades, with the exception of one year being natural, I’d always worn my hair relaxed. It was my comfort zone. When my hair is relaxed, I know how to care for it and only required occasional salon visits. I love wearing my top knots, low buns, straight styles, and even wear it curly. The diversity of relaxed hair is endless. As a natural, let’s just say styling is much tougher and extremely time-consuming. This time I decided to play it somewhat safe by not getting a relaxer and having my hair silk-pressed, instead. I was surprised by how much my hair had grown but much of it had to be cut off due to damage. I was left with bouncy layered neck-length hair. I was fine for about a week but I then began hearing a faint voice say, “cut it.” Cut it? I know I’d thought about big chopping my hair just not this soon. I wanted to grow it out longer so I’d have some length to work with. But the voice would not go away and became stronger and stronger. It was four days before my next hair appointment when I sat in my bathroom with a wide-tooth comb, scissors, a spray bottle filled with purified water, and a bowl of DIY deep conditioner. With the scissors in hand, I took a deep breath and proceeded to cut my hair.
It took me about an hour to cut off the relaxed hair and do my best to give it a decent shape. My beautician told me I did a great job by the way! The moment after I cut the last strand of hair I felt lighter. I felt exposed and a bit emotional. My hair was seventy percent gone. I guess I never realized how heavy my hair was until it was no longer there. I had three inches of new growth. Just long enough to twist, that’s it! Prior to cutting my hair, I knew that I would have to get creative with styling it and be prepared to rock a baby fro most days. There was no longer any hair to hide behind and I was seeing myself for the first time in a long time. I saw every kink and coil. Every strand of gray hair. I have taken notice of the fullness of my lips, my nose, which is identical to my father’s nose, almond-shaped eyes graciously passed down from my mother, and the hyperpigmentation that has taken residence on my skin. I was uncomfortable, to say the least, but through it all, I knew cutting my hair this time around was the right decision.
The first time I went natural back in 2015 I had an emotional breakdown. I transitioned for maybe six months so I had plenty of length to work with. I went to a natural hair salon and had the stylist cut off all my relaxed ends. My mother was there recording the event along with a friend. We did a countdown before the stylist made the first cut and I was so excited to see my natural hair!!! This was the moment I’d been waiting for. All the Pinterest pictures and YouTube videos came down to this moment. Moments later, my relaxed hair was gone and I was fully natural. What is this? I asked myself about my natural hair texture. My hair was not curly, springy, and “pretty.” Instead, it was thick, kinky, dry, and “not pretty.” It looked nothing like the hair I pinned on Pinterest or the pictures and videos I liked on Instagram and YouTube. You could’ve purchased me for half a penny at that point. I pretended to be fine while still in the chair so as not to cause a scene but I wanted to cry. I stepped outside for fresh air and thought about a line from India Arie’s I Am Not My Hair when she says, “Good hair means curls and waves. Bad hair means you look like a slave.” Did I look like a slave? Because my hair didn’t curl up when spritzed with water and form curly baby hairs at the edges, did that make me unattractive? I was devastated. So much so I went home and cried. I had no clue what to do with my hair and could not understand why it was so dry. What did I do? I asked myself while in the middle of a meltdown. I felt I’d made a big mistake. So I did what I knew to do. A few weeks later, I got a relaxer.
Looking back on the first time I went natural, there were a couple of things at play. To begin with, I went natural for the wrong reason. I went natural because mostly everyone was going natural. Straight up. Doing something because everyone else is doing it is never a good reason to do anything and I knew better but it was my way of trying to fit in. I could not turn on the tv, read a magazine, scroll through social media, or go to the hair salon without hearing about the natural hair movement. It was being talked about everywhere. As natural hair was being celebrated, relaxers were being demonized left and right, and having relaxed hair made me feel like an outsider, like the scene in Forrest Gump when no one wanted Forrest to sit next to them on the school bus. “This seat’s taken.” Ok, maybe I’m being a bit dramatic but you know what I mean.
I was also dealing with a lot of real-life stuff. I was a fairly new mother, in nursing school (gaaaahhh!!!), dealing with situational depression, and my self-esteem was in the trash. Whew! Ok, so it wasn’t exactly the best time to transition and go through such a drastic change. I wasn’t seeing myself correctly and how could I? There were too much stress and emotional turbulence. Being a new mother and a wife while in nursing school is hard. Seriously, I mean it was rough. Most days I had no clue if I was coming or going and it was truly by the grace of God that I made it through. Deciding to transition during that time I guess, was a cry for help, for an escape, a distraction, anything! Shopping for hair products and watching YouTube videos gave the right amount of whatever I needed to keep me going even though I disliked the way my hair looked.
I am elated to report today that things are drastically different. Since my first transition, I have gone to therapy and did a lot of self-work. I have never been more in love with myself or my hair as I am right now, and seeing myself through the correct lens (fearfully and wonderfully made) has made all the difference. I’ve experienced an enormous amount of personal growth and I can feel a shift happening in my life and it felt right for my hair to go on the journey with me. As I began to accept myself more, how I wore my hair became inconsequential. All the drama I went through was not about my hair but the things that were at war inside of me. But God had a plan and helped me to see what I could not see on my own and I love how he used my hair to do so. So yes, your girl is currently vibin and thrivin! Lol!
I spend a good amount of time staring at myself in the mirror. Mostly in awe of how far I’ve come but to also get acclimated with this new version of myself and my baby afro! 4C hair can be frustrating because its a challenge to keep it hydrated but I am thankful for it. I wash my hair once a week making sure to deep condition and sometimes give it a steam treatment for hydration. Afterward, I spray it with my homemade leave-in conditioner, apply styling products (using the LOC method), twist it into two-strand twists, and leave it alone. I’m also obsessed with scalp massages, so I make sure to do them daily. Not only are they good for blood flow but they are so relaxing. There are hundreds of inspirational pictures pinned on my Pinterest but I’m not forcing myself to do anything with my hair at the moment. I’m mainly focusing on keeping it healthy, letting it do its thing, and seeing what comes of it. If you’re on a natural hair journey, I’d love to hear from you.
With love,
S.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:13-14
