From Bedside to Office Side: Why I Quit Bedside Nursing

Bedside nursing. Not for the faint of heart. I liked it, a lot. Trauma bedside nursing is a different animal and it demands a certain type of person with unique stamina to handle the plethora of responsibilities and stressful demands to get the job done efficiently. I took on the challenge shift after shift learning skills and things about myself that I’d never imagined I would. However, what I did not factor in was the toll my career as a Trauma nurse would take on my mental health, physical health, and family life.

I would always read articles about nursing burnout prior to being hired as a nurse and said over and over again that I’d never allow myself to become burned out. I believed that nurses who experienced burnout either worked too much overtime or their schedules were straight trash. Little did I know that I was about to find out that neither situation had to be true in order for burnout to come knocking on your door.

I’m a naturally caring person. It is hard for me to only care a little bit or half-ass my patient care. So I went full force with every single patient, every single shift. When you’re working three twelve-hour plus shifts a week with up to 6 (or 7) patients, the miles placed on you mentally and physically add up quickly. Depending on the pace of the day and my team (the patients I was responsible for), I would leave work feeling like I’d been hit by an 18-wheeler truck. After experiencing the same amount of stress repeatedly for weeks, which then turned into months, burnout knocked on my door, let itself in and made itself comfortable. I knew that if I did not take time to rest, I wouldn’t last. That is when I began calling out from work (which I did not like to do) just so I could rest. After a while, the extended days off fell void. I would take the extended days off only to return to work and start the cycle all over again. I began having excruciating pain to my lower back. There were mornings I could barely get out of the bed because the pain was so bad. Two weeks ago I went to see my doctor and I expressed to him everything I’d been experiencing physically and he told me straight up that I needed to find another job! There was marked swelling to my lower back that will only get worse over time if I did not slow down. At the tender age of 36, I have my entire life ahead of me. Not to mention a family (husband, 6-year-old, and aging mother) that depends on me to be both physically and mentally healthy.

I could tell my mental health was not in a good place when I would become anxious the day before returning to work after my days off. I’d get this overwhelming anxiety just thinking about going to work. I’d wonder what the pace of the day would be like, what patients I would have, what if this happens or what if that happens. It got to the point where prayer wasn’t helping and neither was distracting myself with doing things that I love to do because I knew it would still come down to me having to go to work the next day. After resigning and reflecting back, I realized that experiences with patients and their families, doctors, management, and co-works all contributed to my anxiety because I cared so much and wasn’t able to leave the day behind once I clocked out. Unless you’re a master at consuming different levels of energy and then ridding yourself of it at the end of the day, it takes a toll on you mentally (which can also be manifested physically). There were plenty of times when I had to lock myself in the bathroom and just let go and cry or pray or cry and pray! When a doctor places an order(s) they expect it to be carried out in a timely fashion. Some patients and patient family members believe you are their personal nurse and want what they want when they want it without considering the fact that you have other patients under your care. Then there’s management, co-workers, and other members of the interdisciplinary team that you have to deal with. I would always ask myself how one person is responsible for so many different things. It was just too much (at least for me, anyway). I could feel myself changing as a person. I was complaining almost every shift about…everything and I am not a complainer. I’d find that I would get easily angered and frustrated over small things. When I felt myself becoming someone I did not recognize or like, it was a sign that I HAD to get away from bedside nursing.

What I disliked the most about being a bedside nurse was not having enough energy to be present in the way I wanted to be present for my family and missing out on special moments. I was ALWAYS tired. I never felt fully rested. By the time I felt rested enough to do what I wanted to do it was time to go back to work (insert really deep sigh). I didn’t like feeling that way. Most nights when I would arrive home from work my family would’ve already had dinner, my son would be asleep and all I would have time and energy to do was eat and take a shower. Most of the time I couldn’t sit up and talk with my husband because I’d get out of the shower and go straight to bed. I felt like I was missing out and not only in spending time with my family but missing out on the life I wanted to live and how I wanted to feel living it. It felt like I was working, sleeping, working, and sleeping. Everything else was pretty much a blur. I knew I wanted more but I also knew I would have to be the one to grant myself the “more” I was looking for.

Resigning from my job was not easy. It was one of the scariest things I’ve done in a really long time. I’d just purchased a new home. I was accustomed to receiving a check every two weeks without any interruptions. Granted I will get it all back and then some but change can be hard and scary but I’ve learned that sometimes you can’t get to where you need to be without it! I am still an RN but I no longer work directly with patients. I think it will be better for my health and my family. With the recent passing of Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gianna Bryant (may they rest in peace), it made me think about the frailty of life and validated my decision to take a different route in nursing and begin filling my life with moments I can look back on and be proud of.

I’d like to add that there are plenty of nurses working at the bedside who are completely satisfied with their careers. I am speaking solely for myself and my situation. It is not to say that my career as a bedside nurse was completely horrible all the time because it wasn’t. I’ve had plenty of wonderful experiences as a bedside nurse. I had the best group of co-workers I have ever had in my life and it is definitely going to suck not getting to work and laugh and goof off with them anymore. I also met some incredible people along the way who reminded me of why I became a nurse, to begin with. Bedside nursing granted me a rich experience that I will never forget and I am a better person because of it.

With love,

Shara

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11