The Head and Not The Tail

These days I spend a considerable amount of time on Instagram. It is one of my favorite social media platforms with Pinterest coming in a close second. As we all know, although it is not a new practice, fairly recently self-care has become a major movement around the world. It is the practice of taking time to indulge in caring for yourself, mostly physically, but also mentally and spiritually or however one feels is necessary. I would scroll through picture after picture and story after story of someone going through their skincare routine recommending products, taking a relaxing bath surrounded by candles and their favorite luxury body items, working out, journaling, or even embarking on a “self-care” shopping spree (hey, whatever works, right?). I’m here for it all. But would you believe me if I told you that not long ago I struggled with taking time for myself? That the idea of carving out time for self-care and treating myself to things that have been on my wishlist for what seems like forever was a long shot. I mean, I did it but not without overwhelming feelings of guilt and not before making sure everything else was checked off on my to-do list. Yeah, I know. Not an ideal way for anyone to live. Especially someone like me who has several Pinterest boards dedicated to my hopes, dreams, and desires. It wasn’t until I received a profound word from God that I realized I deserved as much attention as I was giving away.

I’m a caregiver and a doer. I love caring for people and making them feel special but there were times when I was doing the most and putting other people’s needs before mine. For example, I could be really tired and needing rest. If someone needed me to do something for them I would forgo sleep to help out or if someone called needing to talk and I was busy doing something important I’d stop what I was doing to lend a listening ear. Some would say I was being a good friend but when it happens repeatedly it becomes a problem. This hasn’t happened in a while but it did for quite some time. I have learned a lot about myself through self-sacrifice both good and bad but I don’t plan to indulge in it any longer. Secondly, I tend to over-function through tasks like cleaning and organizing. Once I start cleaning I cannot stop. I go from one room to the next from one task to the next until I completely run out of energy. Its as though I believe something terrible is going to happen if the kitchen isn’t cleaned or the basket of laundry that’s been sitting unfolded all week doesn’t get tackled. By the time I look up, it’s late at night and I had not taken one second for myself. Day after day, week after week and month after month I ran myself into the ground doing…stuff (not to mention working three 12-hour nursing shifts a week).

I had an epiphany and something changed. Not sure of the exact moment but the thought or feeling hit me, viscerally. God spoke to me and whispered “You matter, and you deserve better. Relax!” I stood quietly thinking back over the years and the times I put everyone and everything first and me second, only to find out that the people I would rush to do things for were nowhere to be found in my time of need (that’s a whole notha blog post), the things I was rushing to do weren’t all that important and that if my kitchen floor went unswept for one night or the basket of laundry went unfolded for a period of time everyone and everything would be just fine. God showed me in that same moment how I was burning myself out doing too much and that I needed to slow down. I needed to show myself love and grace. I would always hear people say that you can’t give from an empty cup but it never resonated with me until that moment.

Life is different now. Self-preservation is my main focus. In the mornings I take my time during my morning routine. If it’s a workday I am adamant about waking up early enough to give myself ample time to get dressed without having to rush. Rushing is a no-no! A hard no! I am fully committed to being present in the moment and take in every step from washing my face to putting on my clothes and even making my coffee. I give myself weekly manicures and a pedicure once a month changing the polish every two weeks (since outside is closed). My hair gets washed every week and includes deep conditioning treatments, steam treatments, and scalp massages. I’ve never been a true fan of exercising but I push myself to work out a couple of times a week. At the very least, I do a head to toe stretch if I find myself in a rut and unable to work out. I’m trying to be 36 and fine! Speaking of fine, McDonald’s french fries and just about any fried seafood you can think of has been a weakness of mine forever and I thank God for a fast metabolism because I would be in deep trouble otherwise. Although it has taken a toll on my skin. Over the past couple of months, I have researched healthy lifestyles through various books, blogs, YouTube videos, and informative IG accounts. It’s not that my lifestyle is horrible but I’d like for it to be a lot better. So I’ve become more conscious of what I’m putting into my body. What’s the point of working out if I’m going to consume trash all day, right? In order to be more aware of what I’m consuming I had to slow down, take my time and focus on ingredients and portions to ensure I’m doing what’s best for my health and not grabbing quick and unhealthy foods, just so I can hurry and move on to the next thing.

Mental and spiritual health is also a priority and has been for some time. This is the one area I have always set aside time for. With the everyday hustle and bustle of work, homeschooling, keeping up with bills, and this crazy pandemic, I have to have mental and spiritual check-ins. Podcasts, books, bible study, prayer, and sermons all play a major part in my spiritual health and healing. The word of God never fails to put me back in alignment and kill off any concern, insecurity, or question I may be dealing with. On my way to work, I listen to sermons and Podcasts to fill my mind with positivity before taking on the day and dealing with folks. Daily devotionals sometimes guide my bible study or I may refer back to the scripture from an earlier sermon or podcast to study. After bible study, I go into prayer. To me, this is self-care at its highest level. It is the greatest form of spiritual and even mental detoxification. I come out of prayer feeling renewed and strengthened, ready to face the world. Therapy is the next best thing after prayer. I find that having someone to talk to who knows nothing about my life and can offer an unbiased opinion is healthy. I’m currently searching for a new therapist and hoping to find one soon.

Writing is my passion and before starting this blog I would journal consistently. I’ve gone through several composition notebooks, traditional journals, and napkins. Yes, napkins. Getting my thoughts on paper is super cathartic, assisting me in working through tough issues and celebrate happy times through words. I wrote so much it led me to start this blog. Writing and editing calms my mind. It takes me away and allows me to completely zone out. Much like prayer and Bible study, I’ve created a boundary for this time to go uninterrupted. Every now and then my six-year-old comes into the office to have a conversation about Fortnite but even those are limited.

Finally, I recently began carving out time to brainstorm what I want for my life. This time is not exclusive to how I want the landscape of my life (home, career, travel, etc.) to look but also material possessions I’ve been wanting for the longest time and how I plan to acquire them. I had an issue with being honest with myself about things I want because to me, verbally admitting that I desired certain things, especially if it was really expensive, made me feel selfish. It wasn’t until my mother had a conversation with me expressing that wanting certain things doesn’t make me a selfish person. Because of who I am and the fact that my heart is so big, I deserve it all and a whole lot more. For days after that conversation, I thought about it and came into agreement that my mother was right. So I’ve gone from screeching at the thought of wanting certain items to creating a vision board and making a plan for acquiring them. Being honest with myself takes courage but also helps to clear out mental and emotional congestion. Sometimes my days look like me in my office at the desk with my pen and notepad scrolling through whatever website (mostly Pinterest) creating a wishlist. I’ve made it okay within myself to want things no matter how much it costs. It all came down to dealing with issues of self-worth. Now that all white Mercedes G-Class with black and chrome trimming is on paper at the top of my list instead of a distant thought in my mind.

The issue of putting others before me and feelings of unworthiness was due to decreased self-worth and low self-esteem. Loads of self-work was done to get to where I am today. Full of worth and esteem. Boundary building, prioritizing time for self-care, and even treating myself without the feeling of guilt took time. I no longer rush to do things or feel like I have to get everything accomplished within a short period of time. Instead, I take a moment to think about what I’m doing and why. If it can wait, it waits. Even more importantly, I’m only investing time in reciprocal relationships/friendships. No more one-sided exchanges. God said I am the head and not the tail, above and never below. Finally, I’m listening.

With love,

S.

“If you listen to the commands of the Lord your God I am giving you today, and if you carefully obey them, the Lord will make you the head and not the tail, and you will always be on top and never at the bottom.” Deuteronomy 28:13 NLT